Friday Five

1. Thursday was spectacularly horrible day. I made a HUGE mistake at work, a federal government mistake to be exact. Then I had a family issue later that night that finally broke me and I sobbed for like a hour after.

2. I was so upset from the work thing, believing I was going to be fired today or next week that I was sick to my stomach. I don’t even like my job, but the sheer thought of being fired from a job made it bad. Seriously, I did a federal fucking government fuck up and even though the amount of the fuckup was measly in the scheme of possibilities it was a government fuck up. My senior boss called me today and my gut dropped, I’m wrote up and basically can’t even do a petty fuckup if I don’t want to be fired. I also just fucked myself out of a promotion, I could care less about the promotion, I wanted the $2 an hour raise.

3. My uncle pulled life support today on my aunt, the insurance ran out and was forced too. He was suppose to do it a week ago but wouldn’t.

4. This week has been a massive pile of crap. My stomach is still nauseous from the work fuck up. I want all the vodka, but we’re on a separation sadly.

5. I’m going to spend the weekend with my best bitch to escape my shitty week and hopefully avoid doing something really stupid.

Friday Five

1. I’m upset with myself, but I can’t change this past week, I can only move forward.

2. I hate anyone who can’t drive a minimum of 55 mph between huge orange construction barrels.

3. Road kill vagina is stalking me at the gym. She is seriously following me and doing the same thing I do right beside me, because of her stench my workouts this week have been way short. I bought a travel pack of vagina wipes to give her next week if she continues her stalk.

4. I kind of wish I was going to Deluna this weekend. I miss concerts, but I do have Chicago next month with my bitches.

5. I’m so ready for this weekend. My flask is packed and I’m ready to go, but Lisa and I both work a few hours today, so we’ll roll into Grand Rapids after 9. Smell ya later.

Friday Five

1. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m stuck in this in-between mode just going through the motions, but everything just seems so trivial to me right now, even this post. I’ve been posting songs I knew she would have enjoyed.

2. I feel like I’m suffocating. There has been no silence or calm, everything has been a constant roller coaster of repetition this week. I’m connected, yet I’m disconnected if that makes sense.

3. Work came through and finally found me a replacement so I could be off Saturday, but it came too late. I can’t be there to see my friend one last time, but me and the other sisterwives will be there in spirit with Jack.

4. Normally I savor my solitude, but I CANNOT be home alone this weekend, so I’m heading to Jessica’s tonight. We will celebrate Julie’s life with our memories and do it how she would want us to, by smack talking. It’s already weird not sending random snack to her. I’m sure when Jessica gets off on Saturday she will post pictures of me completely bombed, passed out and flashing my vagina. Alcohol, tears and grief go hand in hand for me when I’m trying to cope with a significant loss in my life.

5. Ruth was capable of knocking some of the numb away yesterday with a WTF?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS NEWS yesterday. She can’t leave, Lisa and I cannot deal with that, so we need to find her a nice husband replacement, preferably a ginger. We only have 10 months to accomplish this when we can’t even find anyone to deal with our own headcase selves and lonely vaginas.

Friday Five

1. I’m so angry I want to punch things, but mostly people. I’ve vented to friends and let friends vent to me; I’m relieved and not all that surprised I am not alone in my anger. My anger normally is fickle, but this anger has stayed with me for a couple days; I’m a peach to be around. I was on Tumblr maybe 30 minutes yesterday because that was all I was capable of handling. I’m thankful replies to post notifications can be sent in email now.

2. I’ve wanted to eat my feelings so bad this week, but I haven’t. Well, I did eat an entire seedless watermelon on Tuesday night, but I’ve been peeing worse than a thinspo bitch on water pills since. 

3. I have a wedding this Sunday where I’m wearing a dress that is a size medium. It’s total vanity sizing, but I bought it for the fact that it said I was a medium. Thanks Maurice’s for the making me feel not so obese, but rather pleasantly plump as my dad use to say. Also, FREE WINE AND BEER AT THE RECEPTION! I cannot wait to be the wedding train-wreck, I’ve got permission, the friendboy is aware of what is going on with me right now. I’ve fought the bad carbs and the vodka this week, I will do my best to beat my emotional demons healthy rather than using harmful shit that make me hate myself even worse the next day. I’m drinking mainly this weekend to celebrate his third marriage and anticipate the next for more free alcohol. I’m going solo, so who wants to be my date for 4-5 hours of free alcohol this Sunday in Po’dunk Ohio?

4. Friends and social contacts are two seperate things. Friend, like love, are words that are far from generic to me. It bothers me how so many throw the words around. I have more social contacts than friends, but my friends mean more to me than all my social contacts multiplied to infinity and fucking beyond.

5. Breaking Bad is so fucking good. And I swear my high school AP Chemistry teacher looked and dressed just like Walt, it’s creepy. Jesse cracks my shit up too.

Friday Five

1. I’ve been super busy/distracted this week. My twat boss has even been on vacation, but I’ve been so scattered I haven’t even enjoyed my time away from her. I think my desire to divorce her is stronger though after this trial separation. I haven’t even talked to Lisa since Monday guys.

2. I have so many things I want to do or start next year, but a part of me believes they are just silly dreams that I’m not in the position to make happen. The other part of me questions if I truly even know what the fuck I want. I know what makes me happy, but good luck finding a career Amanda that lets you travel and see concerts all the fucking time. Like a true bitch I will never be satisfied I fear.

3. I’m heading to North Carolina this weekend for free. FUCK YES FREE ROAD TRIP! I’m pretty much also guaranteed to see some jarheads, so here’s hoping I see some hawt ones in uniform.

4. Someone asked me if I would attend this new tweet up in Nashville yesterday and the answer is negative. I only plan on attending one tweet up next year and that is April CHSH. Money doesn’t grow on trees and I’d like to take a real vacation next year if I can. I’ll gladly go to any tweet up where a sugar daddy paid my way, but I don’t want to do an old dude, so I doubt they’d pay for everything. I *might* give a handjob though.

5. Poop Deck next weekend, finally.

Friday Five

1. I really think there needs to be a music festival meetup next year. LollaUp should totally be a thing if we don’t all dissipate in December. I really need to pop my music festival cherry next year. Who wants to pop my cherry?

2. Last night at the gym this dude kept turning his head back to look at me every 30 seconds,  I know it was me because his eyes followed me everyfuckingwhere. He was not hot, so it was creepy. He was even wearing sandals with socks, ewww. Who wears sandals to the gym? Fact of life: if I was attracted I’d be flattered, but I wasn’t so it’s creepy. Also, I’m a twat, clearly.

3. I have no idea what I will shove in my fat trap this weekend at Melt, I fail at being an OCD fatty this round. Food is important seeing as I won’t be making fresh salsa with my NYC bitches, or sharing my surge protector, or being my normal drunk crass self. 

4. Hormones man, enough said. 

5. Unpopular opinion: I hate replies to replies. WORST MISSING E FEATURE EVER! I wish people would use something called text messaging or IMing for conversations. I can understand posting something fucking hilarious, but take the chit chat to your phone or answer a goddamn question in the fan mail for fucks sake if you don’t have a phone number or Kik username. This is one example out of many of why people don’t like me, but I don’t fucking care. Bite me.

Friday Five

1. Where to go? Who to see? I already have MITU off in September, but I just found out I still have over 40 hours of paid time off to use up before Blackout starts on November 1st. The idea of taking the time off and staying home is depressing and lame, but all I have is a car to take me places, because jets come with a sugar daddy and I lack one. Being poor blows.

2. I’m carrying a non-Designer handbag, a first in over 5 years for this superficial twat. Did I mention being poor blows? Forget First World problems I’m having my own crisis right now.

3. My insomnia is in full out rage lately. I was getting 4/5 hours a night and dealing, but I’m back to 2/3 a night, if I’m lucky. I’m not a lucky person.  Lack of sleep makes me a moody bitch and I  can’t even blame it on my uterus.

4. I’d do dirty things right now for a Starbucks pumpkin scone.

5. I hate weddings. There have been very few I’ve attended where I just knew without a doubt that they were going to last and grow old together. Most of the time I’m sitting there placing a wager on how fast before it crashes and burns. I have been ridiculously accurate, because I’m a freak. Please find your lobster or else avoid inviting me to your ceremony.

I just want you to know that, no matter what happens, I am never having sex again.

1. Wanderlust and social alcoholism, I can’t think of any other conditions as awesome as mine, too bad I’m below the poverty line and can’t afford to hop in my car and drive all over the country to have girls nights with some of my other bitches. I’m kind of bummed I’m not gonna be in Canada being the trainwreck this weekend, but fuck yeah one tank road trip later today though.

2. Things that are making me stabby: being ousted as Mayor of my gym on Foursquare (STFU!) and all three seasons of my Veronica Mars being missing. First, the fuckhole who ousted me doesn’t even go to the gym, because hello I was there the same time as him for two days and NO HE WASN’T! He stole my title of GIRL WHO HAS NO LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK AND GYM and I want it back! Second, seriously the fact that I have to rebuy something because my worthless siblings probably pawned it pisses me off. I guess I will watch Party of Five and wonder why I use to be attracted to Scott Wolf.

3. There’s a hot ginger at my gym now (I KNOW, MIRACLE!) and I want to protect my ginger vagina and bump uglies with him, you know so we won’t produce extreme mini ginger assholes. No worries, I’m still full on lust after PGG even though I haven’t seen him for weeks, but muscular, tattooed ginger is to nice to overlook.

4. I think Lisa and I have role reversed because now I find myself getting bored and annoyed super fast, I’m fickle now. Also totally random but, I’m the Mary and she’s the Rhoda. 

5. I want a white ink tattoo really bad and I fought the urge to go downtown this week and do it. I guess I can always show off my stretch marks and tell people they are white ink tattoos. I’m totally gonna do this if a dude ever tries to see me naked without the lights off. Yeah, like this will ever happen again, but cool story.