Call Me Maybe

  • I just finished my resume and it only took me 3 months to update. If I want certain things to change I figured I needed to start going after them, because sitting here is only making my already fat ass wider. I’m very fortunate not to have an ass growing out of my ass unlike some unlucky chunky bitches.
  • Radio silence is totally a thing I fucking excel in but decided not to include that on my qualifications and skills portion of my resume. Thankfully I have friends who understand that I don’t want to talk to them, because I have more important things to do. Important things include watching 10 hours of Grey’s Anatomy in sweaty yoga capris and a sports bra on my day off to try and get caught up. I have priorities and not a lot of friends.
  • My nail guy asked me if I got man yet, when I responded he offered to be my pimp. He told me his commission rate is low and that he knows lots of men. He’s adorable, I think I will keep him.
  • I wish you would quit doing that thing with your hair and face, it annoys me.
  • Lisa’s mom really thinks I’m part of their family now and feels it is okay to lay motherly guilt on me. Guilt doesn’t work on me, but free vodka will get you everything.
  • I just got another wedding invite, so that makes 4 months of weddings to attend with no date. Seriously, everyone better have open bars and had better not expect a gift from me other than me showing up and my sarcastic mouth. I can’t wait to unleash, the third times a charm, right?
  • Why can’t I find a job that lets me attend concerts, travel, dine and post it all to my blog? Dream jobs are for the pretty, pretty lucky that is.
  • I really want to go to Melt and shove my arteries full of fat.

68 Notes/ Hide

  1. themisscook said: “I wish you would quit doing that thing with your hair and face, it annoys me.” LOLOLOLOLOLOL