Tales of a Horny Insomniac

I haven’t posted much of anything lately it seems. (You’re totally welcome for this by the way.) I just don’t have much of anything that I want to share, okay I have absolutely nothing because I’m B-O-R-I-N-G if you want some serious truth. But, in a few short weeks I plan on spamming your dashboards with all the NYC and Snark awesome. That’s right more words about Snark, because it’s all I have right now people, so get off my back! (It’s not all Snark…)

I’m waiting to drunk dance, be an asshole, take loads of photos, grope people, wear animal hats, and laugh until I pee myself in a few weeks. Lets face it I’ve done loads of stuff that most would roll over in their grave for doing at tweetups, but peeing my pants is like the one embarrassment I haven’t subjected myself to at a tweetup thus far. I guess what I’m saying is I HAVE A GOAL, besides losing followers for being an asshole.

After last years Snark I got an askbox from a dude informing me that he had to unfollow me because of how I looked. Ya know how I was morbidly obese before which was clearly disappointing to that douchebag, he wasn’t there and but apparently all the photos of my extra large ass was something he felt the need to tell me was worth an unfollow. Dude had balls though and didn’t do it as anonymous. The guy who sent this message totally helped fuel my struggles last year, but so far I’ve been douchebag free this year. Plus now my doctor just calls me simply fat and not morbidly fat, so I have that going for me.

This will be the first tweetup where Lisa and I are both going, but not going with each other or staying with each other. YOU GUYS THIS IS GONNA BE WEIRD WITHOUT MY BEST WHORE, but I will survive. I do have roommates of a wide variety of awesome though.

I’m totally gonna make NYC my bitch this round. I might need a partner in crime, so askbox your resumes to me if interested. Need not apply if you embarrass easy and frown upon drinking before noon. Also, you must eat street food with me and a Gray’s Papaya hot dog might be mandatory. (If you give me shit for having ketchup on my processed wiener I will not share my flask and I might shank you.)

I really want to get a tattoo when I’m at a tweetup this year, but I’m cheap. So, maybe if I get drunk enough I’ll score one in NYC or Chicago. I was gonna get one as a reward to myself for reaching a goal, but I don’t know if I can wait. Maybe I’ll save that one for the goal and get something tiny when I’m away as a fun drunken memory.

My muffin top looks fabulous in yoga pants. Muffie loves me and tells me daily how she refuses to leave, I think she’s codependent and is scared of not being attached to my hips.  

I watched Touched the other day for the obvious reason, JACK MOTHERFUCKING BAUER! It was decent, but I can’t really wet myself over him not being a total badass, so I’m thinking about rewatching the 24 series now. I love me some ultimate alphafucking male screaming DO IT! DO IT NOW! I’d love the guy at the gym to scream this to me for being naughty, maybe he does in my fantasies as he is peeling my Spanx off.

I’m still having awful dreams, I’m just thinking it has to do with the time of year and what it means to me. I’m not letting what this time of year reminds me of bring me down, so maybe that is why my brain feels the need to make me dream. 

Insomnia is reaching bad levels again, sleep I gets none and if I do I be dreamin’.

I’m such a fucking rebel for doing this on a Friday. I’M BAD TO THE BONE I SAY!