1. I think I’m morphing into a wallflower.
2. I have vaahkaa, I was to lazy too open it last night.
3. My mood swings are fickle right now. At least I acknowledge how irrational I’m currently being when anyone gets my instant wrath or emo burst. I should hang my head in shame for how many this has happened to this week.
4. I don’t seem to do much right in life, seriously, it’s been brought to my attention a lot, but it’s also been brought to my attention that my eye makeup is something I actually do right.
5. I did something yesterday that made me sick to my stomach after and didn’t tell a soul, because I was embarrassed of my actions. I will not be repeating that ever again.
I took this fucker on the way to work and forgot to post my late GPOY, so here is my face.
My rage today reached it’s boiling point and when I got home I sent a message first, an angry direct message of, what the fuck is wrong or going on with you? The instant response I got made me feel bad, because hearing death or someone near dying is probably the only thing that will make me stop being a self centered twat, even while I’m hormonal and rage filled right now. Let’s keep that between us though, mmmkay.
It was so nice today I wore a skirt, but then after 8 hours inside I came out and froze to death, because it is December in Ohio and 60 degrees is a fluke, but the winter advisory tonight isn’t. Fuck.
I really have nothing of value to say, I rarely do, but that never stops me.
The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it. — Felix Baumgartner
My room smells like smoke, I’ve been burning shit again for a couple hours. Purging thoughts for the last two days you would think I’d be empty upstairs, but far from it. The Peace Of Mind incense aren’t masking the smell and it’s to cold too open a window, I’m gonna smell like a chain smoker for a few days.
Tomorrow I start my new job. After I complete my 8 hours I’m gonna strut my ass to the office, and watch her fax it to HR, so they can submit it to the state. That beast of burden will soon be behind me and the fact that I made it happen with just 2 days until expiration has me feeling all sorts of thing, mainly relief. I’m gonna be refreshing the state database like every hour until I see my license renewed for another 2 years.
Wednesday after lab I’m applying to the school of nursing, it will be my last headache in the process. I still have a few months of freaking if I made the cut for the limited places available since deadline to apply isn’t until February 1st, and placement isn’t announced until like April or May I heard. I know I can’t do anything more after this, but believe I’m good enough and have patience.
My brother just called and wants me to come to his place for Xmas. Why doesn’t anyone in my family realize I hate the holidays and they will never be the same? Thanksgiving is my darkest, but I gave gratitude, and then cried for a couple hours until I made myself fall asleep like a good grief ridden girl lacking medical insurance for proper mental health care would do. Seriously, I don’t even want to be around that many people. Thanksgiving there were about 40 people in my house, hasn’t been that many since the night my dad passed, and I ran away.
Tonight’s confession: I don’t want to be around a lot of people lately. Anyone who knows me at all knows this is weird. I either want to be by myself or be greedy and hog just one person up to myself for company. I think it’s because I’ve been battling so much the last few months, or at least that’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself. I have had this urge to drink for weeks, usually that means I want to hang with friends, but that isn’t the case right now. I haven’t solo drank for about 2 years, I was making it such a habit the local liquor agency knew my name and my poisons, but the thought of treating myself on payday to a bottle of vaahkaa sounds appealing.
The hip hickey from my supposed “marking” won’t fucking leave after almost a week. I just love how it was placed near my huge appendectomy scar too. Long curly hair don’t care about showing her stretch marks either, because it’s been a fucking day and I’m still annoyed this thing exists. It’s killing me on waiting to bring this up, but at the same time I’m dreading another serious convo.
1. I’ve been sleeping until 4am the last few days, it’s better than the 2am I was earlier in the week. I’m looking at the bright side, people.
2. I made a list of the negative thoughts looping my brain, set those bitches on fire, and then had to go pee, so basically I pissed away my burnt up worries.
3. December is going to be my bitch.
4. Melt Bar and Grilled has Red Velvet Bread Pudding this month and OMG I need this in the worst way, along with their new seasonal cocktail.
5. Even though December is going to be my bitch, I have a feeling my December period is gonna be my worst experience of the year. Save yourselves. I was starting to get scared I might be with spawn as frequent as I was peeing, like every half hour at least, but thankfully my face breaking out like a pizza today gave me reassurance my NuvaRing isn’t failing me.
6. I want to get wasted. I just don’t want to do anything stupid or say anything I might later regret, so I’m probably better off in front of Netflix alone with a dead phone.
7. My biggest fear is Crush, dude who ruined me, walking into my work with his ex back again GF and I’m all alone. I’d rather think about this then how I have to have another serious talk with The Geek this week. I hate being serious, because we’re suppose to just being having fun.
I’m still laughing.
I pull in my drive and my dads SUV is sitting where I park. I sold it to my aunt right after he passed and I haven’t seen it since, I thought it was in storage to be honest, but apparently my uncle uses it on occasion and today he decided to pop in for a surprise visit. Surprised the fuck out of me and brought the tears out of me.
Motherfuck. I was hoping I would be decent until closer to February thanks to Thanksgiving being behind me, I was wrong.
So, I’m at work and I use the restroom and notice another hickey on my hip area, I come out and I’m like I just found another fucking hickey. The boss is like he gave you hidden hickies, I’m like I have 3 on my stomach and 1 on my hip, she’s like oh he fucking marked you. Mind you I never told her about The Geek messaging me wanting to mark me. I’m like excuse me, she said he marked his territory so another dude would know you’ve been taken.
Back. The. Fuck. Up.
We just had a talk last week about being nonexclusive, why would the fucker be marking me as his?
So, I told her the entire conversation and how I even asked Bryan, what the fuck did he mean and we both assumed he got his terminology mixed up, even though he was the one who educated me about rose budding, so he’s very educated in porn lingo.
Guess what topic I’m bringing up after the weekend?
Pretty sure I dropped this like every hour today. Seriously, I’m not, not only because I wasn’t interested in him like that. I’m simply not interested because I have no time to invest, I’m back to two jobs now and school, and I’m focusing on me for a bit.
Compliments were flying; I was told I really do look like my pictures, and that I should just stop saying I know how to take a good one. I’m also the same in person as my online personality comes across, well no shit Sherlock. I will always be me, I have no issues if people don’t like me in general, so I’m not about to act different then I truly am to gain approval.
Also, he brought up the Geek more times then I care to talk about. I’m an open book, so I’ll answer questions. While it was kind of annoying, I’m hoping the fact that the Geek & I are still seeing each other is enough to detour him from the thought any potential with me. I might have played up a few things to make it sound like I’m just that pathetic girl waiting until he comes around to the possibility of a relationship a little towards the end. I’m not giving up something I know it is what it is, so I don’t have to overthink shit. And I’m not giving up my awesome sex while I’m not interested in putting myself truly out there again. I have needs and my needs are being met conveniently, seriously a 12 minute drive is glorious. No serious planning required is the tits!
While I’m thankful I broke up my routine today and got out, I’m also thankful that today reinstalled the fact that I in no way shape or form will reactivate my dating profile anytime in the near future. I still don’t like it when they’re clearly into me and I’m like no thanks.
Unrelated: I just noticed I have hickies on my stomach from the other night. Seriously, this is a new one.
I’ll have my state required hours all in on Tuesday to keep my license active. They’re putting a rush on everything for me, so I’ll be able to put my official nursing school application in on Wednesday.