I have so much energy I’m shaking. It might not be energy, but it feels like it.
I have a massive headache, but I’m trying to detox away from all meds until I get my insomnia in check.
The Oreo Fudge Cream commercial where the lady says, “Shut the front door” cracks my shit up every fucking time I hear it.
I don’t like edges of brownies, there I said it. I don’t ever want one of those all edge brownie pans, because seriously the best brownies are from the center and edge free.
I’ve been on a folk/alternative kick for a few days, so my car has been blasting the Fleet Foxes and Mumford & Sons like insane.
I wish it would rain so my car can get it’s much needed car wash.
I almost told a lady today that her vagina was fermenting. I was at Walmart, so I mean I shouldn’t have been to surprised.
My brain is all over the fucking place today. I went to the bank before work to make a deposit and they were closed, it took me a few minutes to realize why as I was swearing up a storm. The brain is very scattered folks.
This is night 2 of no medication whatsoever, not even melatonin.
I’ve been awake now for over 23 hours. I worked a 12 hour shift at the house of stressful Hell Saturday and then did another 12 hours Sunday at my normal house. I should be in a coma right now from everything in all honesty.
My mind is running a 100 MPH right now.
I’m not tired.
I have this weird amount of energy flowing through me, which is hilarious because I’ve been lethargic for a couple months and it’s like 2am and I want to fuck shit up or something.
I know they say it has to get worse before it can get better, but seriously I’m starting to get freaking scared of the hell I might be in for who even knows how long. I know I can be a stubborn ass and I need to apply it to this no medication thing, because medication isn’t the answer for insomnia. I want to feel normal again and fall asleep and stay asleep for more than 2-3 hours. (HA! I’m so not normal and never have been, so who am I kidding here?)
I fear the dark circles under my eyes might start a new zombie trend in my hood.
I fear how cranky I will get with even less sleep.
I fear how much more emo I will go.
I wonder when my body will just give up.
I probably shouldn’t be on the computer right now, but I felt like my brain was exploding and I needed to do something more constructive. Besides, if you’re tossing I read you’re suppose to get your ass out of the bed and return and try again . . . And that’s what the fella with erectile dysfunction said.
If I wouldn’t try to kick a fucker in the taint for trying it, I’d ask someone to please take away all mobile devices, so I may avoid emo blogging until I can be somewhat not so fucked up in the noggin.
I was woke up before the sun was out to be informed I’m working my 12 hour shift today at the house I’ve been attacked in more times then I care to remember. Remember my near loss of any eyeball 2010? My nerves are so frazzled my mind is sending the stress to my stomach and it won’t stop growling. (No way logically should I be hungry, my brain is a cunt.)
The lady I was working with was watching an infomercial about losing weight fast while eating more and exercising less. I kept giving her the you must be shitting me look, because she was engrossed in this. I was like weight loss isn’t easy, if it was no one would fat duh. I was being a cunt when I looked over at her and said this is bullshit I hope you know, because you have to burn 3500 calories to lose 1 pound. Now she’s watching Lifetime Network, I guess this is karma paying me back now for being a cunt.
The only highlight so far today has been watching the buff tan men do the landscape here.
Stress level is through the roof, I’ve been having dizzy spells and stomach pains since I’ve been here this morning. Send Xanax with a chaser of Nutella please.
Wouldn’t it be nice if people asked you that right off the bat? Like, “How would you like your steak?”
Then you could be all, “I’m a bit of a mess right now. I would like to be treated gently and carefully. But I don’t want to feel like you think I’m high maintenance. I would like you to anticipate the times when I pull away, and not call me out on them or be hurt by them. I would like you to be patient and steady. I would like it if you didn’t comment on other women’s attributes, because it makes me feel insecure. I would like it if you were courteous and gentlemanly, while still seeing me as an equal. I would like it if you would call the next day. I would like it if you took my crazy in stride. I would like it if you loved me deeply. I would like it if you shared secret jokes with me. I would like it if you looked at me like I was the answer to some unspoken question in your heart. I would like to feel safe. I would like to be best friends.”
All those who couldn’t love you the way you want to be loved would politely decline right off the bat. All those who couldn’t accept the kind of love you have to give would smile and walk away. There would be no hard feelings, and I would have met my husband a long, long time ago.
You all know I’m lacking sleep from my previous posts, but even in the fucked up mental state I am in some things just can’t be ignored.
It totally blows when your worst fear turns out to be a reality and you are basically bitch slapped with the truth. The truth is something you felt, your tried denying it, but then your brain keeps showing you that it’s true. Then your heart has to deal with the logic your brain has sent you and try to accept the reality you hoped wasn’t true.
Now you have to consider your options like is it best to STFU and try to forget and ignore the facts that have been bitched slapped in your face. Or do you see the evidence, try to forget how much it hurts and do what needs to be done, because in the end the other person would probably never even notice that you’re gone.
This is a prime example of how I work, if I was pissed they would hear it from me without hesitation, but I’m hurt, so I withdraw.
That is about the number of hours of sleep I got last night.
I’m averaging about 4 a night for a couple of weeks now. Hello I believe I have chronic insomnia doctor and pills will never work, they keep hindering me. I will be out of medication after tonight and I won’t be refilling and I will deal with whatever withdraw I must. I was planning on telling the doctor later next month I’m done with how they make me feel, even when I was getting sleep the relief wasn’t worth the mental anguish.
Things you do when you can’t sleep but toss and turn…
Surf Tumblr about every hour, because no one posts when they sleep
Think and think a lot
Analyze your life
Mentally figure bills
Emo blog and then emo blog again
Go pee about 6 fucking times from 1am-5am
Realize the things you want most you will never get, sleep included.
Stare at your lovely white ceiling and then smother your face in some pillows in hopes that maybe you’ll lose enough air to knock you out.
I doubt the withdraws I will experience could be any worse then the Hell I’m living right now. I’m exhausted to my core and I work very long weekend shifts, who knows maybe I’ll get fired for being a cunt bag and then I can only hope to get unemployment.
I’m negative and I know it right now. This is also one of my longest spells in the land of negative like ever. I can’t seem to break from it, I keep hoping that when this month ends something magic will happen and I can leave the downer part of me behind. (May has pretty much always been my bad time of year, I fucking hate the month of May.)
I believe that being negative is toxic to others, so I’ve been avoiding. I’ve been trying so many different things to take my brain away from everything that is bothering me, but you can’t escape life sadly and I suck at distractions.
I know that a lot of my negativity is coming from my job and stressing over my mom. I’ve had headaches pretty much everyday for a week. I’m angry, very fucking angry right now. I’m hormonal, emotional and I’m a total fucking bitch to be around right now.
I believe everything is my responsibility with my mom.
What some view as victories I view as highlights to my ultimate failures.
I’m a total Type A Personality and I believes it puts people off.
I can’t lie to someone’s face even when you know deep down that the truth will bother them.
I’m very emotional.
I’m a nutjob.
I’m harder on myself than I know I should be.
I’m a natural extrovert, if you’ve met me you know this, I also believe this turns introverts away at how I’m not fucking shy or appear to have no shame.
I won’t ever tell someone that they mean more to me if I know it isn’t reciprocated.
I lie to myself, but hate when fuckers lie to me.
I have let countless cruel remarks I’ve received in my lifetime continue to bother me to this day. Hell, I’ve had terrible comments said to me this year that I can’t let go. Tell a girl something positive, she’ll believe it for a moment; tell a girl something negative, she’ll believe it a lifetime.
You piss me off and I will let you know. I can’t hold my anger or my tongue when I get pissed.
I’m back in debt thanks to emotional shopping.
I have some OCD.
I can be a total cuntswab and snot.
I’m a reckless driver anymore and I honestly don’t give a fuck.
I believe to my core that I’m cursed and that nothing good can happen, because of how shitty my life has been. Seriously, like no one knows just how bad I’ve had it, so don’t sit there and say everyone has had bad, because until you’ve been in my shoes you just don’t fucking know. Bad seems to be followed by more bad without a break.
I let those who I love control me and manipulate me and I always have.
I don’t know what makes me truly happy anymore. I have ideas, but they might be my brain torturing me.
I know I have a lot more flaws and I believe that I’m like a bulls eye labeled, avoid like the motherfucking plague if you knows what’s best for you, just from my history alone.
Taken from Miss_Cook who took it from someone else.
And so the story goes…
The sound of my BBM & Gtalk
My ringtone, it’s Arcade Fire’s Wake Up, the part that plays has special meaning to me.
Boots snorting, Otis use to do this and snore like a motherfucker too
The sound flip-flops make as they flip
Whispers in the ear
My dads voice, I get little videos from family sent to my phone with dad talking or singing on days like his birthday or the anniversary of his death. (I don’t save them, because I think that would be torture and it makes them that more special once I receive them again.)
Wood crackling in a fire
Snorting, I love it when someone snorts
That sound of the water hitting the shower floor after you twist your hair
The sound of a receipt printing because your credit card was actually approved.
I hate repeating myself, so when 4 people asked me the same fucking question back to back I let my bitch shine and I ended up screaming at every last one of them. It’s bad enough I have to tolerate this at work, but to be bothered by siblings and their significant others is too much some days.
If you’re reading this don’t bother sending me another email, I won’t ever respond back and I won’t forgive you. You set out to hurt and upset me and along the way you violated me after I kindly asked you to stop something, so just stop.
Fucking passports costing $135 means I need to take some lube with me to help the ease pain of being fucked for a little book.
I haven’t had any alcohol since Snark in January. But, margaritas and drinks filled with vodka make me happy.
I totally lied to a client that really gets on my nerves yesterday and told her that I was feeling sick so she couldn’t touch, hug or kiss me. I don’t feel bad about this either, she is the number one person who bruises my arms from hugs and is like a smothering blood sucking leech.
Remember that time I said I was honest and because of it I can let my shitty ass side shine? The above is a prime example.
I went to the jewelers yesterday, because my watched stopped working after they replaced the battery back in March. Only it wasn’t the battery, my little knob thingy was pulled out and I went days without a watch only to feel like an uber-idiot when the guy pointed it out to me. I guarantee I was the joke of the day.
Here are the rules:
Each tagged person must post ten things about themselves. You have to choose and tag ten people. Go to their blogs and tell them you tagged them. No tag backs
1. My mind is all over the place right now.
2. I haven’t done my eyebrows in almost a week and I feel manly right now.
3. My taint sweats everyday from exercise.
4. I’m still not interested in the concert on Saturday.
5. I hate this time of year with a passion, mainly the month of May.
6. I have serious OCD tendencies if you didn’t already know from my previous Truthful Bits from last week.
7. I’m great at avoiding.
8. I don’t eat out unless I don’t have a choice now. I’m doing it for several reasons, but mainly life style changes. Eating out is very expensive and you’d be surprised how much money you waste in a weeks time by eating a meal or two out.
9. My heart feels broke.
10. I won’t pass this on to other people because I’m lazy.
I know I haven’t been as personal here as I was in the past and honestly I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I have my reasons for wanting to edit what I put here, mostly because anyone can read this such as enemies, family, job, friends, etc. and somethings I’m not ready to let everyone in on if ever. I seriously have so much shit happening with me right now that I feel like I’m waiting for another shit storm to land on me any moment, because that has been the pattern here lately. I wasn’t going to post what I’m about to post actually, because of fear that making it known makes it more real, but it is real and it is something I have to try to deal with.
My moms health is getting worse like WAY worse. My mom was born sick and she gathered a few chronic illnesses along her ride in this life. It was always thought that mom would pass before dad, because she was said she’d be lucky to make it to the age of 40, but life took a twist and dad got super sick and died first. She has been going to several doctors a few days a week it seems and getting test after test performed.
It’s her heart now, it is weak and damaged. I’ve noticed a lot of changes this past year and I notice she is getting worse. Her PCP and specialists are very concerned, she has been put on Nitroglycerin even. Our local Cleveland Clinic branch wants her to go to main campus probably next month for a few nights, so they can try building her heart up enough to run some tests and studies or shit. She was suppose to have a test done last week that had serious high risks, but was unable to because of her BP being well over 200.
My mothers dad died from a massive heart attack, so I’m worried, very worried. My mom and I have never been really close, we never got each other it seemed I just ended up being closer to my dad. After dad passed we only had each other to lean on for support and I’m terrified now because I won’t have anyone to help support me. I can say this with confidence because I lost dad 15 months ago and there was no one offering support, most people and friends avoided me like I was plagued. I get that most have no idea how to deal with issues when something bad happens to a friend, but it truly sucks to feel that alone.
Are you contemplating a trip, Gemini, perhaps to a place you’ve always dreamed of visiting? If you’re in doubt as to whether or not you can do it, work out your budget and you might be surprised. Invite a friend or romantic partner to accompany you. Such a trip could boost your personal growth like nothing you’ve ever tried before. Think about it!
I don’t think my horoscope has access to my bank account though. Also,even though I don’t eat out any longer I still don’t have that much money in my account. I’m sure if I believed the crap The Secret was selling I could believe me to have funds though. Maybe I just need a new Visa card…
My morning routine is the same everyday, unless I’m traveling for some reason. First I check texts, then emails, then horoscopes and finally my Google Reader.
I’m so organized I even have my Google Reader set in folders. I subscribe to people I feel I have a connection with and a few random blogs like tweet ups and classyfoodmofo, so I keep my reader small and easily manageable.
I can’t read blogs through my reader as they come through, I have to go to each blogs own reader and read from there, because I’m anal and I don’t want to accidentally miss a post.
My grocery lists are organized by departments and my shopping cart is organized while I’m shopping. I could never just throw my shit in the cart.
I get overwhelmed to easy some days.
I believe I have to load the dishwasher a specific way or the dishes won’t get clean.
My brain truly hates me.
I have a couple blogs and I think each showcase my different personalities, because I’m pretty fucked up inside the noggin.
My work changing my schedule so many times this week has me going crazy. I might have to buy a new calendar, because all of the scribbles I see are driving me nuts.
I am starting to believe that my brain is shedding layers just to fuck with me.
I wish for some juju to win the lottery, so I can quit my job.
I’m on a mission to find an unfindable deal so Ohio girls can go to Eh Day.
I’m still trying to figure out if I can go to BSTU.
I’m sitting in my chair naked and thinking I wish my boobs were smaller.
I want my clients to hate me for a few days at least, so I can get a mental break and that wish just doesn’t seem to be happening.
A client told me I had really pretty eyes last night, but I think she saw they were watery as I had just got done crying in another room.
I also want to shove my face in some dessert or a jar of creamy peanut butter.