Tales of a Horny Insomniac

I’ve been awake for about an hour, I awoke after yet another dream. I haven’t been having nightmares, more like disturbing dreams from my past with specific people/events or dreams that seems set in the future, because they clearly haven’t happened in real life, but seem realistic. These dreams have the power to make me incredibly sad or super pissed.

Saturday mornings dream still has me boiling, I just want to punch someone right in the face. I woke up extremely angry, even shaking from said anger with my fists clenched tight. That dream put me in a foul mood, I’ve been trying to shake it, but haven’t had the best of luck. Maybe writing it here rather than in an email asking for a dream interpretation will work. (STM: Thanks for hearing my batshit and trying to help decode my twisted brains message.)

I want to believe that my brain is an even bigger asshole than I am, because of these dreams. (Seriously, I don’t even know if that’s possible to be an even bigger asshole.) They involve people I haven’t gave two shits about for a long time, but when I fall asleep the subconscious wants me to see or hear them so I’m aware of them. I don’t fucking want to be aware of them, because they are insignificant to me. The other dreams are dad related and I’m not stupid, I know this time of year is triggering it, but the dreams are creepy. I’ve been reliving him in his casket a lot. If it’s not him in a casket I see him standing near me during dreams involving other people listening in and reaching towards me. I’ll see his mouth move, but I can never hear the words coming out. It’s like he’s offering me advice in a situation, but I’m not able to receive it, probably because he isn’t really there.

So there is my newest crazy, I’ve shown a lot of my crazy here before, but I like expanding your horizons. The dreams makes me want to grab my vodka, but then I realize I only drink at social outings now, so my liver is the only lucky one in this situation.

I haven’t posted much of anything lately it seems. (You’re totally welcome for this by the way.) I just don’t have much of anything that I want to share, okay I have absolutely nothing because I’m B-O-R-I-N-G if you want some serious truth. But, in a few short weeks I plan on spamming your dashboards with all the NYC and Snark awesome. That’s right more words about Snark, because it’s all I have right now people, so get off my back! (It’s not all Snark…)

I’m waiting to drunk dance, be an asshole, take loads of photos, grope people, wear animal hats, and laugh until I pee myself in a few weeks. Lets face it I’ve done loads of stuff that most would roll over in their grave for doing at tweetups, but peeing my pants is like the one embarrassment I haven’t subjected myself to at a tweetup thus far. I guess what I’m saying is I HAVE A GOAL, besides losing followers for being an asshole.

After last years Snark I got an askbox from a dude informing me that he had to unfollow me because of how I looked. Ya know how I was morbidly obese before which was clearly disappointing to that douchebag, he wasn’t there and but apparently all the photos of my extra large ass was something he felt the need to tell me was worth an unfollow. Dude had balls though and didn’t do it as anonymous. The guy who sent this message totally helped fuel my struggles last year, but so far I’ve been douchebag free this year. Plus now my doctor just calls me simply fat and not morbidly fat, so I have that going for me.

This will be the first tweetup where Lisa and I are both going, but not going with each other or staying with each other. YOU GUYS THIS IS GONNA BE WEIRD WITHOUT MY BEST WHORE, but I will survive. I do have roommates of a wide variety of awesome though.

I’m totally gonna make NYC my bitch this round. I might need a partner in crime, so askbox your resumes to me if interested. Need not apply if you embarrass easy and frown upon drinking before noon. Also, you must eat street food with me and a Gray’s Papaya hot dog might be mandatory. (If you give me shit for having ketchup on my processed wiener I will not share my flask and I might shank you.)

I really want to get a tattoo when I’m at a tweetup this year, but I’m cheap. So, maybe if I get drunk enough I’ll score one in NYC or Chicago. I was gonna get one as a reward to myself for reaching a goal, but I don’t know if I can wait. Maybe I’ll save that one for the goal and get something tiny when I’m away as a fun drunken memory.

My muffin top looks fabulous in yoga pants. Muffie loves me and tells me daily how she refuses to leave, I think she’s codependent and is scared of not being attached to my hips.  

I watched Touched the other day for the obvious reason, JACK MOTHERFUCKING BAUER! It was decent, but I can’t really wet myself over him not being a total badass, so I’m thinking about rewatching the 24 series now. I love me some ultimate alphafucking male screaming DO IT! DO IT NOW! I’d love the guy at the gym to scream this to me for being naughty, maybe he does in my fantasies as he is peeling my Spanx off.

I’m still having awful dreams, I’m just thinking it has to do with the time of year and what it means to me. I’m not letting what this time of year reminds me of bring me down, so maybe that is why my brain feels the need to make me dream. 

Insomnia is reaching bad levels again, sleep I gets none and if I do I be dreamin’.

I’m such a fucking rebel for doing this on a Friday. I’M BAD TO THE BONE I SAY!

I woke up bright-eyed at 2am this morning, because my leg and knee were throbbing like a tweenage girls heart watching Bieber lip sync. Between pushing myself, my limits and the weather change I can barely walk. Yay for being a 28-year-old gimp! All the pain I has it; I’m resting today and listening to my achy injured body. I do learn eventually from my mistakes, I’m just a little slow and history has to repeat itself a few times. 

In case you didn’t know, I’m an observer, it’s in my nature to always notice the people around me. (See also to mock those people, cause I’m a bitch. Again, at least I’m honest about who I am.) Anyways, yesterday I got stuck on a treadmill next to someone I dubbed Twitchy Face a few weeks back. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to not focus on something once it has caught my attention? By the power of the Black Keys I lip synced my heart out making it extremely easy for someone to mock me to avoid staring at her. Don’t believe Jillian Michaels kids, surely I’m not the only asshole at the gym who observes, makes up nicknames and tweets about fellow members to pass the time on machines.

Speaking of observing, I’ve been trying nonchalantly to stare at this one pretty man’s everything the last few times we’ve been at the gym together. Well, we’ve made some eye contact, so I think we’re serious now in stalker terms. Okay, well maybe I’m more eye contact with a little junk check and he’s more boob contact. (Good sign he’s straight though!) And with this I will make sure that every Friday night at the gym in the future I wear the lowest cut top I own, while the fun bags are supported by Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy bras. Weight loss has done nasty things to the funbags and boob image is everything people, so I must perk them up proper. Did I mention he’s pretty and tall and he’s has some serious cardio abilities? All of this makes my overly sexual imagination fantasize a lot about hot, casual gym sex for hours involving him and his pretty everything.

I’ve noticed I’m starting a new routine, a routine of avoiding through constantly making myself busy. I don’t know if I’m currently so focused on the progress I want for myself and reaching my personal goals, or if I’m just trying to avoid classic good distractions such as friends and Tumblr for a deeper reason.

This time of year I can easily be triggered into sadness, because of my past. I know I try to deal with things the best I can when they happen, but sometimes I think my subconscious mixed with hormones can take things to a whole other level. I’m still very upset up what happened the other day, even after talking to Lisa about it. I wasn’t even that upset when a former favorite client started seizing with no prior history, fell, busted her head open and spit blood all over my face. But, the thought of a beloved pet suffering set me off for a couple hours of constant crying and not the pretty kind, like I had snot dripping out of my nose and my eyes were swollen, I was an absolute mess. I know I have serious fucking issues dealing with suffering, it all probably comes down to some sort of control issue, seeing as I never had the power to stop it when it was all I wanted to do for him.

I’ve had a lot on my mind as you can see and it even continues in my dream world. Am I fully aware of what all I’m avoiding even? Are these little annoyances like the dreams and shit just diverting my attention away from some larger issue? Am I even avoiding or am I just focused on me more so than ever? I’ve never denied being a dweller/over-thinker, but when things start piling up on me or seem to coincidental I go off in the land of reflection to try to figure it all out.

I know I also have guilt in not being chatty with some friends lately, because of keeping myself busy. I’m still here for all of them in my heart, but it doesn’t feel good enough. I know I can’t wait to see them in upcoming events like at Snark or CHSH and I know they feel the same, but it doesn’t feel quite enough. Maybe my core problem is the fact that I place too high of expectations on myself personally.

I don’t even know if this post makes sense.

Whenever people would say, Tumblr unfollowed people, I was thinking in the back of my mind it was a total bullshit excuse. I mean I’ve been on Tumblr since 2009 and it has never happened to me, so I thought some were just too scared to admit that they unfollowed someone, because they couldn’t stand to be called out for doing it. Most people absolutely HATE confrontation I have learned.

But, now I know that Tumblr actually does unfollow people for you. I know this because I just saw someone’s mug on the side of my dash under Spotlight, I have never seen anyone that I already follow on there, so I clicked their page and it showed I wasn’t following them. Which was TOTAL BULLSHIT, I’m just sorry I didn’t notice sooner.

So, I will no longer call bullshit when I see people post about the great mass Tumblr unfollowing. Just know that if you ask me if I unfollowed I will totally be honest with you if I did or did not, and if I did unfollow I will tell you why if you are curious.